Monthly Archives: March 2025
Both in my circle of acquaintances and in my own practice among my clients it is often found that the desire to get away from their toxic family members in such a way that they don’t have to deal with conflicts with them, was strongly present as a stated or unstated motivation in the decision to move abroad – in addition to its many obvious advantages. They believed that this would preserve the relationship, but not cause the daily problems perceived as unsolvable.
For those involved, it usually turns out that their family relationships at home were a source of constant frustration, because the family, or some family members, demanded excessive control over their lives even as adults, held them accountable to the smallest detail, and in the worst case, they even went so far as to dictate how they lived and who they were in contact with. And if they resisted, they were continuously hurt, humiliated, or at least made to feel guilty.
Of course, they realized that this was not good, that they couldn’t live their lives according to their own preferences, but they didn’t want to lose contact with the family either, so they didn’t dare to take on a conflict.
Moving abroad seemed to be a good solution for all of this, because the problems seemed to be resolved without harming the relationship.
After all, they thought, if they are not present in person, the family members will not see their everyday life, they will not be able to have a say in what they do, and they will not meet mutual acquaintances either. In addition, they can get rid of the toxic atmosphere of the meetings expected at home without any special explanation, simply because they are not there.
Twenty to thirty years ago, the plan was partially working, although even then it turned out sooner or later that it was not that simple.
When there was no FaceTime, Google Meet, Zoom and Skype, but only telephones (if applicable, only landlines) and international calls were very expensive, a 10-minute conversation a week really didn’t give people at home the opportunity to know everything. In the same way, physical distance was more important, because it was much more expensive to travel, so it was not a reality for someone to go home from another country every few weeks.
However, those who lived in it know that – although they were indeed able to move away from the original toxic environment – this did not mean a real solution to all their problems, because they still functioned in the same way as in their relationships at home.
Just as they were not able to stand up and take on conflicts within the family, they were not able to do so in the new environment with new people either. They were unable to draw boundaries and set healthy expectations towards others, so they often ended up in relationships very similar to the ones they fled from at home. Moreover, the supportive friendly relationships abroad did not help them as they did at home, in addition to the fact that moving abroad presented them with many additional challenges.
Thus, even in their case, deeper self-knowledge and personality development work was the solution.
Today, it is already an illusion that we can escape from a place or relationship simply by moving away. Technological progress and globalization have many advantages, but in this regard, it has resulted in the fact that technology is no longer an obstacle to any degree of participation in each other’s lives. So even if we leave, we will be just as controllable as at home.
A good example of this is one of my former clients living in Germany, who, at the age of 32, was followed by his mother living in Hungary on a daily basis through the iPhone Locator function, and reported, for example, why he went to the neighboring village and what he was doing there.
So, it can be seen that today it is less and less possible to escape. In addition, after a while it can be recognized that it is no coincidence that we prefer to run away if we cannot solve our relationship problems, in addition to the fact that it is not always possible to run away again and again.
The real solution is if we are able to learn about our functioning and turn to ourselves with empathy. By understanding the events of our lives and also emotionally processing the previous life events, we can learn to function differently and make different decisions.
In the empathic and accepting atmosphere that I provide, I assist in developing self-awareness, experiencing acceptance, and developing more useful ways of functioning by using the various methods I combine (KIP, therapy, Brainspotting, art therapy, schema therapy).
In addition to supporting my clients in seeing their difficulties and getting in touch with their long-repressed feelings, the consultations also lead to emotional processing of difficult experiences. This can bring relief and cessation of symptoms and healthier functioning both at home and abroad.
According to the World Health Organization (WHO), burnout syndrome is a set of symptoms resulting from chronic work stress characterized by a general, strong feeling of exhaustion; increased mental distance from work or feelings of negativism or cynicism about work and decreased professional effectiveness.
Given the harmful effects of the above in the lives of individuals and in the world of work, and since burnout has been an increasingly serious problem at the social level since the middle of the twentieth century, many scientific studies have already dealt with the topic.
Since the literature basically defines burnout as “the experience of the individual in relation to the given work conditions” (Maslach, Schaufeli, Leiter, 2001), research until the beginning of the 2000s only focused on situational factors, e.g. the workplace environment, working conditions, but after that other factors, such as individual characteristics predisposing to burnout, were also examined.
Maslach, Scahufeli, and Leiter in their article “Job burnout” (2001) already define 1. typical jobs and working conditions, 2. some typical professions, 3. typical organizational characteristics, and 4. individual demographic characteristics, characteristics, and attitudes, which according to research results lead to burnout (Maslach, Schaufeli, Leiter, 2001).
Therefore, by now, it has been scientifically proven that burnout can be associated with some typical jobs, professions, working conditions and organizational characteristics, which are further colored by the effects of the quality of management and the individual qualities of managers and employees, but factors beyond all of these can also have an effect.
Among the factors mapped so far, there are some that can easily be linked to the fact that the individual experiences his situation as hopeless, even without thinking about it for a long time.
This can be, for example, excessive workload. It’s clear that both quantitative and qualitative overload contribute to exhaustion, as both can exhaust a person’s capacities, making it impossible to recharge and maintain a healthy personal life alongside work.
In the same way, it’s easy to see that if the tasks and responsibilities are not clear, if there is uncertainty as to why the individual can be called upon and why not, or if his work is not appreciated, this can all lead to the fact that he will experience the signs of the burnout syndrome.
But why does someone burn out after a while doing a certain job in a certain place, while others in the same situation don’t?
In addition to the fact that the concept of resilience, i.e. mental resilience, has been known for some time, which can also be interpreted as the ability to successfully adapt to changing or stressful circumstances and characterizes individuals to varying degrees, the matching of work and working conditions to the individual is less often discussed.
Our personal interests are decisive in the field in which we are willing to make efforts in order to be good at it and to improve. If we do an activity that we are passionate about, in which we are happy to delve into, it is easier to spend a longer time becoming an expert, and it is easier to take on the difficulties that arise. The topic we deal with can provide motivation that can help overcome the possible negative aspects of work or working conditions.
At the same time, our personality and characteristic traits can also determine what kind of lifestyle, work method, and working conditions are suitable for us, among which we feel comfortable. If our work requires skills that we are good at or has inherent qualities that we enjoy, we can activate sources of joy during work that can protect against mental exhaustion caused by difficulties.
In addition, it can also play a role in what kind of work is most suitable for us, what stage of life and life situation we are in, which changes from time to time, so it is also good if the work performed can be adapted to the changes.
If, on the other hand, our chosen job does not meet the above requirements, or in the worst case, it was not even chosen by us, even the “ideal” workplace can be excessively exhausting and can lead to burnout for us.
So, even when choosing a career, we should be conscious and go in a direction that suits our inner interests and personality, and then also keep the above in mind when choosing a job or a workplace.
And if we find ourselves in a situation where we don’t feel good at our workplace, it can be useful, even with professional assistance, to look at the real cause of the dissatisfaction and try to find what an effective solution would be taken into consideration the above.
Because the direction to take and the possible solution can be different in the event that the cooperation with the manager doesn’t work well, or if only the working conditions don’t match the life situation. But a completely approach is needed if it turns out that certain aspects of the work performed don’t suit the individual.
