Both in my circle of acquaintances and in my own practice among my clients it is often found that the desire to get away from their toxic family members in such a way that they don’t have to deal with conflicts with them, was strongly present as a stated or unstated motivation in the decision to move abroad – in addition to its many obvious advantages. They believed that this would preserve the relationship, but not cause the daily problems perceived as unsolvable.

For those involved, it usually turns out that their family relationships at home were a source of constant frustration, because the family, or some family members, demanded excessive control over their lives even as adults, held them accountable to the smallest detail, and in the worst case, they even went so far as to dictate how they lived and who they were in contact with. And if they resisted, they were continuously hurt, humiliated, or at least made to feel guilty.

Of course, they realized that this was not good, that they couldn’t live their lives according to their own preferences, but they didn’t want to lose contact with the family either, so they didn’t dare to take on a conflict.

Moving abroad seemed to be a good solution for all of this, because the problems seemed to be resolved without harming the relationship.

After all, they thought, if they are not present in person, the family members will not see their everyday life, they will not be able to have a say in what they do, and they will not meet mutual acquaintances either. In addition, they can get rid of the toxic atmosphere of the meetings expected at home without any special explanation, simply because they are not there.

Twenty to thirty years ago, the plan was partially working, although even then it turned out sooner or later that it was not that simple.

When there was no FaceTime, Google Meet, Zoom and Skype, but only telephones (if applicable, only landlines) and international calls were very expensive, a 10-minute conversation a week really didn’t give people at home the opportunity to know everything. In the same way, physical distance was more important, because it was much more expensive to travel, so it was not a reality for someone to go home from another country every few weeks.

However, those who lived in it know that – although they were indeed able to move away from the original toxic environment – this did not mean a real solution to all their problems, because they still functioned in the same way as in their relationships at home.

Just as they were not able to stand up and take on conflicts within the family, they were not able to do so in the new environment with new people either. They were unable to draw boundaries and set healthy expectations towards others, so they often ended up in relationships very similar to the ones they fled from at home. Moreover, the supportive friendly relationships abroad did not help them as they did at home, in addition to the fact that moving abroad presented them with many additional challenges.

Thus, even in their case, deeper self-knowledge and personality development work was the solution.

Today, it is already an illusion that we can escape from a place or relationship simply by moving away. Technological progress and globalization have many advantages, but in this regard, it has resulted in the fact that technology is no longer an obstacle to any degree of participation in each other’s lives. So even if we leave, we will be just as controllable as at home.

A good example of this is one of my former clients living in Germany, who, at the age of 32, was followed by his mother living in Hungary on a daily basis through the iPhone Locator function, and reported, for example, why he went to the neighboring village and what he was doing there.

So, it can be seen that today it is less and less possible to escape. In addition, after a while it can be recognized that it is no coincidence that we prefer to run away if we cannot solve our relationship problems, in addition to the fact that it is not always possible to run away again and again.

The real solution is if we are able to learn about our functioning and turn to ourselves with empathy. By understanding the events of our lives and also emotionally processing the previous life events, we can learn to function differently and make different decisions.

In the empathic and accepting atmosphere that I provide, I assist in developing self-awareness, experiencing acceptance, and developing more useful ways of functioning by using the various methods I combine (KIP, therapy, Brainspotting, art therapy, schema therapy).

In addition to supporting my clients in seeing their difficulties and getting in touch with their long-repressed feelings, the consultations also lead to emotional processing of difficult experiences. This can bring relief and cessation of symptoms and healthier functioning both at home and abroad.

According to the World Health Organization (WHO), burnout syndrome is a set of symptoms resulting from chronic work stress characterized by a general, strong feeling of exhaustion; increased mental distance from work or feelings of negativism or cynicism about work and decreased professional effectiveness.

Given the harmful effects of the above in the lives of individuals and in the world of work, and since burnout has been an increasingly serious problem at the social level since the middle of the twentieth century, many scientific studies have already dealt with the topic.

Since the literature basically defines burnout as “the experience of the individual in relation to the given work conditions” (Maslach, Schaufeli, Leiter, 2001), research until the beginning of the 2000s only focused on situational factors, e.g. the workplace environment, working conditions, but after that other factors, such as individual characteristics predisposing to burnout, were also examined.

Maslach, Scahufeli, and Leiter in their article “Job burnout” (2001) already define 1. typical jobs and working conditions, 2. some typical professions, 3. typical organizational characteristics, and 4. individual demographic characteristics, characteristics, and attitudes, which according to research results lead to burnout (Maslach, Schaufeli, Leiter, 2001).

Therefore, by now, it has been scientifically proven that burnout can be associated with some typical jobs, professions, working conditions and organizational characteristics, which are further colored by the effects of the quality of management and the individual qualities of managers and employees, but factors beyond all of these can also have an effect.

Among the factors mapped so far, there are some that can easily be linked to the fact that the individual experiences his situation as hopeless, even without thinking about it for a long time.

This can be, for example, excessive workload. It’s clear that both quantitative and qualitative overload contribute to exhaustion, as both can exhaust a person’s capacities, making it impossible to recharge and maintain a healthy personal life alongside work.

In the same way, it’s easy to see that if the tasks and responsibilities are not clear, if there is uncertainty as to why the individual can be called upon and why not, or if his work is not appreciated, this can all lead to the fact that he will experience the signs of the burnout syndrome.

But why does someone burn out after a while doing a certain job in a certain place, while others in the same situation don’t?

In addition to the fact that the concept of resilience, i.e. mental resilience, has been known for some time, which can also be interpreted as the ability to successfully adapt to changing or stressful circumstances and characterizes individuals to varying degrees, the matching of work and working conditions to the individual is less often discussed.

Our personal interests are decisive in the field in which we are willing to make efforts in order to be good at it and to improve. If we do an activity that we are passionate about, in which we are happy to delve into, it is easier to spend a longer time becoming an expert, and it is easier to take on the difficulties that arise. The topic we deal with can provide motivation that can help overcome the possible negative aspects of work or working conditions.

At the same time, our personality and characteristic traits can also determine what kind of lifestyle, work method, and working conditions are suitable for us, among which we feel comfortable. If our work requires skills that we are good at or has inherent qualities that we enjoy, we can activate sources of joy during work that can protect against mental exhaustion caused by difficulties.

In addition, it can also play a role in what kind of work is most suitable for us, what stage of life and life situation we are in, which changes from time to time, so it is also good if the work performed can be adapted to the changes.

If, on the other hand, our chosen job does not meet the above requirements, or in the worst case, it was not even chosen by us, even the “ideal” workplace can be excessively exhausting and can lead to burnout for us.

So, even when choosing a career, we should be conscious and go in a direction that suits our inner interests and personality, and then also keep the above in mind when choosing a job or a workplace.

And if we find ourselves in a situation where we don’t feel good at our workplace, it can be useful, even with professional assistance, to look at the real cause of the dissatisfaction and try to find what an effective solution would be taken into consideration the above.

Because the direction to take and the possible solution can be different in the event that the cooperation with the manager doesn’t work well, or if only the working conditions don’t match the life situation. But a completely approach is needed if it turns out that certain aspects of the work performed don’t suit the individual.

It is a common advice that we can hear everywhere to listen to our intuition and our inner voice will always tell us how to decide what is best for us.

This is often true, but what about those cases when, despite intuition, things regularly go wrong?

Many of us have at least one close friend who is always involved in bad relationships of the same type, and it seems almost unbelievable that he/she always chooses people who don’t respect him/her after a while, or it turns out that they take advantage of or cheat him/her.

In addition, the bad experiences often show a great similarity, even if the chosen ones are apparently not similar to each other.

But there are also those who experience in their work that, even though they change jobs in vain, they have very similar problems in the new place as before.

It is also thought-provoking that many times these are the people who, at the beginning of a relationship that later turned out to be bad, considered meeting a new partner as the “hand of fate”, and felt at first sight that the other person was “the One”.

Many people report that, in addition to the great attraction, they were able to connect immediately with the other person on a deeper level than with anyone else.

After a while, they didn’t understand how it could happen that they inflicted the same wounds on them as all their previous relationships.

What does this mean? Can’t we rely on our intuition after all? Or intuition doesn’t work? What is intuition anyway?

Intuition is generally defined in psychology as an internal process that allows an individual to quickly and automatically make decisions or form an opinion about something without having to consciously analyze the available information.

Intuition typically works on the basis of acquired knowledge, previous experiences and related emotions, and often appears in the form of immediate, “inner anticipation”, based on which we develop some kind of attitude towards people, phenomena and decision-making situations without thinking or analysis.

Some psychologists, such as Daniel Kahneman, place intuitive decision-making within the framework of “System 1” thinking, which is fast, automatic, and driven by emotion. In contrast, “System 2” thinking is based on slow, conscious and logical reasoning, that requires far more effort and energy than “System 1” thinking. In his book “Thinking, Fast and Slow”, Kahneman (2011) discusses in detail the role of intuition in decision-making and the resulting cognitive biases that affect intuitive decision-making processes.

From the point of view of our present topic, it is important that intuition is based on our previously acquired knowledge, experiences, and attitudes.

And this circle includes all the knowledge and experiences (“worldview”) acquired based on what we experienced as a child and in our youth, about what close human relationships are like, how family members relate to each other, what role we have in the family, and what we can expect from others in these close relationships.

These experiences are integrated into our personality and our ways of operation in such a way that we don’t question them, it is deeply ingrained in us that human relations work as we have learned. Whatever we experienced.

And this will have the effect that later – since we subconsciously recognize familiar attitudes and patterns – based on our intuition we will be attracted to people and situations that are similar to our early experiences. Furthermore, we experience them as if “everything is fine” with them, since they will confirm to us that what we learned in childhood is really so.

And if we meet experiences or people that are not in accordance with our inner world, we feel that something is “not right” with them, that they are strange, that we cannot relate to them.

Thus, those who grew up in a loving, safe, mutually respectful and supportive family are in an easier situation both in choosing a partner and in all other areas of life. Their intuition will tell them that people who operate in the same way are “okay” and they can relate to them. And those who don’t treat them well, don’t respect them and other people, they will find them repulsive and feel nothing in common with them. They’ll “instinctively” feel that this is not their world.

But what about those who grew up in unloving families?

The situation is different with those who grew up in an unloving family, who were neglected or abused. Unfortunately, their intuition will indicate that this is a real relationship in the case of a resurgence of previously experienced pain, because they “know” based on their intuition (previous experiences) that “the world works like this”, “close relationships are like this”, “they deserve this”, since they got this in their original family as well.

Thus, their intuition acts like a confused compass, directing them not to relationships in which they can heal, but to those in which they will be hurt again.

That is why it is possible that what I sometimes see with my clients is that when they leave their emotionally neglectful or abusive or alcohol-addicted family, they choose a partner similar to the abusive or alcohol-addicted parent as an adult, despite the fact that they have always consciously wanted the opposite.

But what is the solution to this?

In short, self-knowledge and inner work. The first step is always to recognize the early patterns that became part of us in our childhood.

If, in addition, we see that we have similar – negative – experiences as adults, then it is worth using the help of a professional. A professional psychologist with appropriate methods – also suitable for processing trauma – can not only help us see our childhood patterns and injuries, but can also provide support so that we can begin to emotionally process our early experiences.

And this is of fundamental importance in order to recognize not only the feeling of “destiny” in the present, but also at the very beginning, if someone doesn’t behave towards us in the way that would be good for us.

Based on this realization, with support, we will be able to make different decisions, and with that, turn towards a different kind of life.

A suitable professional can therefore help us to look differently not only at our past, but also at our present relationships. In this way, we will be able to make decisions that are truly in our best interest.

Remember: intuition is not always a reliable compass, but we can find new directions through conscious self-awareness.

Moving abroad offers exciting opportunities, but the experience is often not without psychological difficulties. As a psychologist who helps with the problems of people moving abroad and those already living abroad, I think it is important that future expats or people living abroad who are already experiencing difficulties are aware of these challenges and prepare to deal with them.

During the process of moving and fitting in, many psychological factors play a role, which will affect emotional well-being. One of the most common difficulties is culture shock, which results from a sudden change in the cultural environment. Culture shock as defined by Oberg (1960) includes feelings such as confusion, frustration and loneliness. In the new environment, many people experience that they lose not only their security routines, but also the well-known rules of social interaction, which can cause uncertainty and anxiety.

In addition, the lack of social support also has a significant impact on mental health. During integration in a new country, it often happens that ties at home loosen, one loses some of one’s old friendships and finds it difficult to form new ones. According to research, social support is strongly related to psychological well-being. Not having a support system can increase the risk of anxiety and depression, so it’s important to actively seek out new connections, be it local communities or expat groups.

The integration process affects not only social relationships, but also personal identity. Moving often forces us to reevaluate our own identities, roles, and place in the world. Identity crisis is not a rare phenomenon among expats, which can lead to a decrease in self-esteem (Schwartz et al., 2010). As a treatment for this, it is important to actively work on strengthening our own identity, for example by reinterpreting our national and family traditions and adapting them to the new situation, incorporating elements of the local culture and developing our self-knowledge and activating our inner resources, even with the help of art therapy, KIP therapy or other creative coaching techniques.

In addition to all of this, we must also mention that in connection with moving abroad, our previous anxieties, problems or traumas that have not been worked on until now may resurface, which we should expect in any long-lasting, mentally taxing situation such as the challenges that moving abroad entails.

From the above, it can be seen that due to the significant tensions, the use of stress management techniques may be essential when coping with the challenges of life abroad. Mindfulness, yoga and meditation can help reduce anxiety and focus on the present moment.

Physical activity, such as sports or dancing, can also contribute to mental well-being by stimulating the production of endorphins, which increase feelings of happiness, as well as being an opportunity to make new social connections.

Spending time in nature, reconnecting with nature, whether regular walks or excursions, or integrating a more conscious eco-psychological approach into our lives, also has a positive effect on stress management and state of mind.

Finally, it is important to emphasize that the experience of moving abroad is individual, everyone experiences it differently, so not everyone has the same challenges. Despite the difficulties and challenges, those living abroad for a longer or shorter period of time mostly report that the experience made them more open and receptive, broadened their perspective and overall enriched them in many areas of life.

However, if someone feels that the difficulties are too great to cope with alone, it is worth contacting a professional who can provide support in the integration process.

The experience of moving abroad is therefore a complex psychological process that requires consideration and conscious preparation. At the same time, the conscious work invested in dealing with difficulties can help ensure that life abroad offers not only challenges, but also positive experiences and opportunities for development.

If I can help with this, feel free to contact me at erna.adamko@gmail.com.