Why does moving abroad not solve the problems arising from unhealthy family relationships, and how can they be solved anyway?

Both in my circle of acquaintances and in my own practice among my clients it is often found that the desire to get away from their toxic family members in such a way that they don’t have to deal with conflicts with them, was strongly present as a stated or unstated motivation in the decision to move abroad – in addition to its many obvious advantages. They believed that this would preserve the relationship, but not cause the daily problems perceived as unsolvable.

For those involved, it usually turns out that their family relationships at home were a source of constant frustration, because the family, or some family members, demanded excessive control over their lives even as adults, held them accountable to the smallest detail, and in the worst case, they even went so far as to dictate how they lived and who they were in contact with. And if they resisted, they were continuously hurt, humiliated, or at least made to feel guilty.

Of course, they realized that this was not good, that they couldn’t live their lives according to their own preferences, but they didn’t want to lose contact with the family either, so they didn’t dare to take on a conflict.

Moving abroad seemed to be a good solution for all of this, because the problems seemed to be resolved without harming the relationship.

After all, they thought, if they are not present in person, the family members will not see their everyday life, they will not be able to have a say in what they do, and they will not meet mutual acquaintances either. In addition, they can get rid of the toxic atmosphere of the meetings expected at home without any special explanation, simply because they are not there.

Twenty to thirty years ago, the plan was partially working, although even then it turned out sooner or later that it was not that simple.

When there was no FaceTime, Google Meet, Zoom and Skype, but only telephones (if applicable, only landlines) and international calls were very expensive, a 10-minute conversation a week really didn’t give people at home the opportunity to know everything. In the same way, physical distance was more important, because it was much more expensive to travel, so it was not a reality for someone to go home from another country every few weeks.

However, those who lived in it know that – although they were indeed able to move away from the original toxic environment – this did not mean a real solution to all their problems, because they still functioned in the same way as in their relationships at home.

Just as they were not able to stand up and take on conflicts within the family, they were not able to do so in the new environment with new people either. They were unable to draw boundaries and set healthy expectations towards others, so they often ended up in relationships very similar to the ones they fled from at home. Moreover, the supportive friendly relationships abroad did not help them as they did at home, in addition to the fact that moving abroad presented them with many additional challenges.

Thus, even in their case, deeper self-knowledge and personality development work was the solution.

Today, it is already an illusion that we can escape from a place or relationship simply by moving away. Technological progress and globalization have many advantages, but in this regard, it has resulted in the fact that technology is no longer an obstacle to any degree of participation in each other’s lives. So even if we leave, we will be just as controllable as at home.

A good example of this is one of my former clients living in Germany, who, at the age of 32, was followed by his mother living in Hungary on a daily basis through the iPhone Locator function, and reported, for example, why he went to the neighboring village and what he was doing there.

So, it can be seen that today it is less and less possible to escape. In addition, after a while it can be recognized that it is no coincidence that we prefer to run away if we cannot solve our relationship problems, in addition to the fact that it is not always possible to run away again and again.

The real solution is if we are able to learn about our functioning and turn to ourselves with empathy. By understanding the events of our lives and also emotionally processing the previous life events, we can learn to function differently and make different decisions.

In the empathic and accepting atmosphere that I provide, I assist in developing self-awareness, experiencing acceptance, and developing more useful ways of functioning by using the various methods I combine (KIP, therapy, Brainspotting, art therapy, schema therapy).

In addition to supporting my clients in seeing their difficulties and getting in touch with their long-repressed feelings, the consultations also lead to emotional processing of difficult experiences. This can bring relief and cessation of symptoms and healthier functioning both at home and abroad.