The effect of our family patterns, or when intuition doesn’t work well

It is a common advice that we can hear everywhere to listen to our intuition and our inner voice will always tell us how to decide what is best for us.

This is often true, but what about those cases when, despite intuition, things regularly go wrong?

Many of us have at least one close friend who is always involved in bad relationships of the same type, and it seems almost unbelievable that he/she always chooses people who don’t respect him/her after a while, or it turns out that they take advantage of or cheat him/her.

In addition, the bad experiences often show a great similarity, even if the chosen ones are apparently not similar to each other.

But there are also those who experience in their work that, even though they change jobs in vain, they have very similar problems in the new place as before.

It is also thought-provoking that many times these are the people who, at the beginning of a relationship that later turned out to be bad, considered meeting a new partner as the “hand of fate”, and felt at first sight that the other person was “the One”.

Many people report that, in addition to the great attraction, they were able to connect immediately with the other person on a deeper level than with anyone else.

After a while, they didn’t understand how it could happen that they inflicted the same wounds on them as all their previous relationships.

What does this mean? Can’t we rely on our intuition after all? Or intuition doesn’t work? What is intuition anyway?

Intuition is generally defined in psychology as an internal process that allows an individual to quickly and automatically make decisions or form an opinion about something without having to consciously analyze the available information.

Intuition typically works on the basis of acquired knowledge, previous experiences and related emotions, and often appears in the form of immediate, “inner anticipation”, based on which we develop some kind of attitude towards people, phenomena and decision-making situations without thinking or analysis.

Some psychologists, such as Daniel Kahneman, place intuitive decision-making within the framework of “System 1” thinking, which is fast, automatic, and driven by emotion. In contrast, “System 2” thinking is based on slow, conscious and logical reasoning, that requires far more effort and energy than “System 1” thinking. In his book “Thinking, Fast and Slow”, Kahneman (2011) discusses in detail the role of intuition in decision-making and the resulting cognitive biases that affect intuitive decision-making processes.

From the point of view of our present topic, it is important that intuition is based on our previously acquired knowledge, experiences, and attitudes.

And this circle includes all the knowledge and experiences (“worldview”) acquired based on what we experienced as a child and in our youth, about what close human relationships are like, how family members relate to each other, what role we have in the family, and what we can expect from others in these close relationships.

These experiences are integrated into our personality and our ways of operation in such a way that we don’t question them, it is deeply ingrained in us that human relations work as we have learned. Whatever we experienced.

And this will have the effect that later – since we subconsciously recognize familiar attitudes and patterns – based on our intuition we will be attracted to people and situations that are similar to our early experiences. Furthermore, we experience them as if “everything is fine” with them, since they will confirm to us that what we learned in childhood is really so.

And if we meet experiences or people that are not in accordance with our inner world, we feel that something is “not right” with them, that they are strange, that we cannot relate to them.

Thus, those who grew up in a loving, safe, mutually respectful and supportive family are in an easier situation both in choosing a partner and in all other areas of life. Their intuition will tell them that people who operate in the same way are “okay” and they can relate to them. And those who don’t treat them well, don’t respect them and other people, they will find them repulsive and feel nothing in common with them. They’ll “instinctively” feel that this is not their world.

But what about those who grew up in unloving families?

The situation is different with those who grew up in an unloving family, who were neglected or abused. Unfortunately, their intuition will indicate that this is a real relationship in the case of a resurgence of previously experienced pain, because they “know” based on their intuition (previous experiences) that “the world works like this”, “close relationships are like this”, “they deserve this”, since they got this in their original family as well.

Thus, their intuition acts like a confused compass, directing them not to relationships in which they can heal, but to those in which they will be hurt again.

That is why it is possible that what I sometimes see with my clients is that when they leave their emotionally neglectful or abusive or alcohol-addicted family, they choose a partner similar to the abusive or alcohol-addicted parent as an adult, despite the fact that they have always consciously wanted the opposite.

But what is the solution to this?

In short, self-knowledge and inner work. The first step is always to recognize the early patterns that became part of us in our childhood.

If, in addition, we see that we have similar – negative – experiences as adults, then it is worth using the help of a professional. A professional psychologist with appropriate methods – also suitable for processing trauma – can not only help us see our childhood patterns and injuries, but can also provide support so that we can begin to emotionally process our early experiences.

And this is of fundamental importance in order to recognize not only the feeling of “destiny” in the present, but also at the very beginning, if someone doesn’t behave towards us in the way that would be good for us.

Based on this realization, with support, we will be able to make different decisions, and with that, turn towards a different kind of life.

A suitable professional can therefore help us to look differently not only at our past, but also at our present relationships. In this way, we will be able to make decisions that are truly in our best interest.

Remember: intuition is not always a reliable compass, but we can find new directions through conscious self-awareness.